You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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