Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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