On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
