I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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