you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
