I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
