Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
