he shaved USA in his pubs
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
