I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
