Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
