im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
