I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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