I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Let's get the cat blown out
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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