we have officially lost it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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