Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
