this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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