wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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