I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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