girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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