Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
