smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
