I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ladies don't puke and tell
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize