need another drink. this is the easiest way
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i love accidental penises.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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