I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
