Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
