my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
