woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
