We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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