i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
