Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
