It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
