allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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