You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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