jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you had me at cake vodka
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
