he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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