i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize