Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
