If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
