4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize