Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
