I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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