the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
