Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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