I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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