I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
