Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
