he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There r osticjed everywhere
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
