I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
