i may or may not be watching the land before time
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize