I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
