Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
