i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
