I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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