Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
